Inside My Mind
by lirpa
Summary: Schuldig's thoughts. Inspired by the comment in episode 23(?) to Farfarello.


Inside My Mind (1/1)  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. I'm not sure who owns them, but it's not me.  
  
Dedication: To my sister, for always having the German that I need.  
  
Distribution: My site, others please ask first.  
  
A.N: Schuldig said something that intrigued me in episode 23, I think. Anyway, he said he couldn't tell where his mind stopped and others minds' started. I found it an intriguing and fic worthy moment.  
  
Inside My Mind (1/1) by lirpa  
  
*Schuldig's POV*  
  
I can hear the hum of minds in the streets below, caught up in their own inconsequential little worlds, unable to look past their own vices and into the bigger world. They batter at my shields and I can't close them all out all the time. Brad thinks he has it bad, he's never had thirty million peoples' thoughts trying to find a way into his head.  
  
Sometimes I'll think something and I'll catch myself wondering if it's actually me thinking that or if it's actually me thinking that or if it's someone on the street below. And it usually turns out to be someone on the street below.  
  
It's never quiet, I can be alone in the apartment and I can still hear Nagi's thoughts across the city. He's part of my team yeah, but that's ridiculous. I don't want to know all the kid's problems, I've got more than enough of my own already.  
  
When I sleep I have other people's dreams. I don't dream on my own, but why would I need to, there are thirty million dreams out there, just waiting to get inside my head. It's like the whole of humanity is torturing me. How can I stop them? There is no way to stop them. I have to live with other people invading my mind and never even knowing what they're destroying what little is left of my sanity. Soon I'll be as crazy as Farfarello.  
  
Farfarello has a very distracting mind. It lures you in and then traps you, makes you live out all his crazed imaginings. And they make no sense besides that. It would have driven insane, I would have succumbed to the temptation, and just stayed inside my mind, let him drag me down into the madness.  
  
Only Brad still needs me. His mind is the only mind I can't hear, unless he wants me to. Being near Brad, near the blessed silence, has become my goal in life, my only goal in life. Brad, of course, doesn't understand what I need. He gets angry and screams at me for being too clingy. Too clingy, what a laugh. If he was anyone else's lover they wouldn't even let him out of their sight. Brad's special, he just doesn't realize it. He's like the flame and I like the moth. Drawn to the flame and then consumed by the flame. What a life.  
  
And then there's Weiss. The kittens are so cute, they actually think they can stop us. I could have destroyed them at any time, all by myself. I don't because I like them. I like to torture them, watch them relive the most painful moments of their lives. I like to listen to them scream, if only in their minds, because they're helpless against my power, against the memories.  
  
The look on the kid's face as his sister died in his arms was priceless. The pain that filled his mind, saturated every thought an action was gratifying. And he's still no closer to realizing what I live with everyday of my life.  
  
The never goes away, the feel of thirty million minds battering against mine is like the most continual, painful torture you can imagine. They go about their lives, never realizing what they're doing to me, even when I'm guarding against their thoughts.  
  
At times my mind feels like a warzone, so many conflicting thoughts and emotions, all trying to come out on top. All these thoughts trying to make themselves known, even of the people who are thinking them will not admit to it. I know. I always know.  
  
So I use my powers to my advantage. They are my powers, which means I can use them any way I damn well please. And I use them to make other people feel the pain I feel every day, the pan they male me feel. I like watching their worst nightmares unfold before their eyes, I like making them say exactly the wrong thing at a crucial moment.  
  
~Schuldig~  
  
~What, Crawford?~  
  
~Go find out what you can about Weiss.~  
  
~What do you want with the kittens, Crawford?~  
  
~Just go, Schuldig.~ That's all Bradley says. That's all he ever says. Go do this Schuldig, go do that Schuldig. Kill that person Schuldig, torture that person. I'm not an actual person to him even, just a power.  
  
Regardless I climb to my feet and make my way out of the apartment, onto the street below. My mind is blasted with the thoughts of those who walk by me, impossible to ignore.  
  
Eventually I end up outside of the Koneko, and I hear the thoughts of those inside. Siberian is watching soccer, again, and lamenting about his lost chance. Boring. Bombay is doing his homework, but numbers were never my thing. Hell, all they cared about in Germany was that I could use my telepathy to further their goals.  
  
Balinese is standing in front of the mirror, staring at himself. Wondering why the redhead doesn't see him as anything more than a nuisance and a playboy. I can't help but snicker. I love angst, and poor Balinese is just full of it, what with his partner and lover being shot in front of him and all, and then her turning up working for Masafumi. Neu really was a piece of work.  
  
And finally Abyssinian, still looking for a way to find his sister. We h ave her safely locked away, little kitty, where you'll never find her. Abyssinian cold as ice, the only one how doesn't care what happens to Weiss. He's in it for the money, and the ability to find Aya. Boy's got some issues. I mean taking his sister's name? He's avenged her. But he can't stop killing. it's all good for now, and he knows it.  
  
The others, they don't realize what being assassins has done to their souls. They don't realize how it makes them bleed, if only on the inside. But ran, he realizes what each kill does to him. That's why he takes as many of the kills as possible. It's amusing that he cares that much for his teammates, but will never tell them, and that he cares not at all for the idea of Weiss.  
  
At least with Schwarz I know where I stand. No one gives a damn about me personally, but since they need my power we try to remain civil to each other. But Ran, he drives them all away to keep them safe. So they don't use them against him, to keep Kritiker from threatening their very lives. At least he cares enough to try even though it hurts them all.  
  
~Schuldig?~  
  
~Yes, Brad?~  
  
~What do you see?~  
  
~Nothing. The kittens are all tucked in and safe.~  
  
~Then get back here.~  
  
~Why?~  
  
~Because I said to~ Brad's mind voice snarls.  
  
Just for that I'm going to stay out all night. When it comes to missions I'll accept my Fearless Leader's orders, but dictating to me in my spare time? Not a way in hell. And he knows it.  
  
I sneak away from the kittens' lair, until I'm in the middle if downtown Tokyo, dazzled by all the lights and minds. All flashing and buzzing, until they form a continuous buzz in the back of my head, a painful buzz.  
  
I bump into someone but I don't sop to apologize, or even acknowledge that anything happened. I can feel the businessman's angry thoughts following me, tracking me down no matter where I go.  
  
Finally I stumble into my favorite bar. the bartender sets my order in front of me before I order it. I've been here enough, I suppose. And a redheaded foreigner would stand out in anyone's mind, unless I advised that it didn't.  
  
I take a deep swallow and as I feel the alcohol starting to work through my system the voices quiet. I drink the rest down and signal the bartender for another. And another. And another. Until eventually the bar closes and I'm left in the street, unable to stand. But at least the voices are quiet.  
  
Fin 


End file.
